Saturday, July 27, 2013

When The Low Points Hit.

This blog is about my story of visual impairment and sharing what I have learned with anyone who wants to read it. So far I have written about my eye condition, about working with a visual impairment and some things that I have learned along the way. I have focused on the positive so far and talked about proactive measures that I take that I think are useful to share. But I haven't talked so much about the things that I really struggle with, the experiences that I go through which I usually keep more private. I am going to talk about my own experiences of anxiety, depression and even desperation that I have been through. I think this is important so that I can convey a fuller more real representation of what someone with a visual impairment can go through.



I like stories of spirit and determination and it is this kind of proactive, go out there and make noise attitude that is most likely to make someone succeed but without also sharing the bad times, the faltered steps this message becomes less credible.




I read an article by a blind developer a couple of years ago where they said that with all the tools of the modern day there is nothing to hold blind people back from a career in software development. It painted a picture of easy street and success and said nothing of the very real hurdles to achieving a successful career. When I first read that initially I felt bad as I was experiencing lots of hurdles and figured that if it was really so easy then I must be not intelligent or not gifted enough. Now I just know that that article had no credibility, I think it was designed more as an addition to his CV to help him get more work or something like that.



Depression is one of the hardest things to go through and it is also deeply personal so for that reason I can only talk about my own experiences and my own thought processes. I don't have depression but I do go through short periods of it which I refer to as low points. Longer term depression is not something I have experienced since my early twenties. I remember what it felt like and I am relieved that it seemed to just be a phase of a couple of years that I went through while trying to work out who I was and how I fitted in. Now in my early thirties I have figured out the biggest questions and feel comfortable in my own skin. Now the low points I go through are not related to hormones or fitting in but as a direct consequence of my visual impairment.



I have an undiagnosed condition where looking at near objects causes me intense pain. All manner of lenses, eye training and dietary changes have failed to make a difference and if anything the condition is worsening over time. I have chronic pain in my eyes and a secondary headache which also never goes away.



There are three factors that can cause me to spin into a brief spell of depression. It doesn't happen that often, every few months I suppose, and it usually takes more than one of these factors to push me into it.



The first factor is a feeling of frustration. This could be because of a bad day where something or many things went wrong on my computer, or I was under lots of pressure to get something done quickly but struggled to do it or that I am performing a task that is much harder now than it was when I had normal sight and this memory surges up a venting of frustration at my situation. This type of stress is acute and related to a specific things I am doing.



A second factor is a general anxiety about the future. There have been many changes in my company, lots of lay offs, changes in technology and I have felt really vulnerable at times and feared that I will lose my job and not be able to afford my rent and pay for the costs of my young family. I have more uncertainty about the future now and feel a background anxiety that I won't be able to provide for my family, that I may not have a successful career and so on. I am not saying I am expecting to get fired or I am expecting to fail in my career because I really don't think that but sometimes I have periods of doubt that aren't fully rational. This stress is like a constant low level background stress that I haven't managed to shift and that can spike when triggered by some other event.



The third and for me the most influential factor is the chronic pain. I would say that in the vast majority of cases it is when the pain is bad that I enter a low point.



It is true that you learn to deal with pain to a certain extent, it becomes normal so you just try to ignore it and carry on. But sometimes the constant unrelenting weight of it wears me down. When it gets bad I can't ignore it anymore, I can't think and a feeling of panic starts to envelope me. I think it is because I feel trapped, it hurts and I want to stop but there is nothing I can do except keep my eyes closed and turn the lights down. I know it will alleviate a little in a couple of days but right now in that instant I am powerless.



It doesn't take much to push me into a slump when in this state. I could have a bad day at work which triggers my fears and insecurities and suddenly I fall into a state of desperation. Once it starts it grows rapidly and I start wanting out, wanting an escape from the pain. I just want it to stop, to leave me alone but it won't. I am now fully in a state of helplessness, frustration and self pity.



The feeling of desperation doesn't last too long, may bea few hours or a day. But when it is gone it leaves me drained and depressed for a few days and there is nothing to do but to wait for it to lift as the pain lifts.



I have learned that there isn't anything specific I need to do except acknowledge that I am in a low point, not get too carried away and know that it will lift on its own in a day or so.



The key is expecting it to come along and knowing it doesn't last. When you're in it things look bleak and it can be hard to see that there is a way back up. Now that I have had my share of low points I can deal with them better as I know, even if I don't feel it at the time, that the cloud will lift and the world really is a wonderful place. I live in a wonderful country which is beautiful and has warm and open people. I have two amazing toddlers and a loving wife. I have forest and hilltop views within 5 minutes of my house, no car, no loans, no credit, I have my distance sight and a healthy body. I guess I feel a little ashamed when I look at all the amazing things there are about my life. If pain is the cost of seeing then I'll take it openly with both hands.



There will be another low point though and that is ok, it won't last and soon enough I'll be back to striving for a better life for myself and my family, and even a better life for those around me who I can help in some way.



I do think I am doing ok in general. I have come a long way with my skills with a screenreader, with how I tackle my job and I think I have some positive and practical lessons learned that I can share with the world. I will keep on learning, keep on improving and hope one day that I can be a mentor to someone who needs help. But no matter who you are and how capable you are I think that these low points come around and I want to acknowledge that. I don't feel like a failure because I falter sometimes, I am not superman, I'm just a regular guy who has to deal with issues that sometimes get the better of me.
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